


feelings come but they won't go

by princessironspider



Series: When Words Fail, Music Speaks [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Bruce Banner Feels, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Bruce and Tony relationship if you want it to be, Depression, Hurt Tony Stark, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Nightmares, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Has Self-Esteem Issues, Tony Stark Has Trust Issues, Tony Stark Needs Sleep, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony stark is a sad boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:48:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22674340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessironspider/pseuds/princessironspider
Summary: Based on the song "Broken" by Anson Seabra
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Clint Barton & Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark & Thor, Bruce Banner/Tony Stark
Series: When Words Fail, Music Speaks [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1441075
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	feelings come but they won't go

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song "Broken" by Anson Seabra, if you haven't heard it...listen to it. 
> 
> Trigger Warning: Self-deprecating thoughts, depression, anxiety, self-worth issues, PTSD, mentions self-harm  
> Tony just is not very nice to himself in this, so just be careful

\---  
_If you see the boy I used to be_  
_Could you tell him that I'd like to find him_  
_And if you see the shell that's left of me_  
_Could you spare him a little kindness_

_'Cause I've been high and I've been low_  
_I've spent a thousand nights alone, tryna hold on tight_  
_And feelings come but they won't go_  
_Please won't someone take me home before I lose my mind_

_Am I broken?_  
_Am I flawed?_  
_Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I_  
_Just another fake, fucked up lost cause?_  
_And am I human?_  
_Or am I something else?_  
_'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there_  
_To save me from the nightmare that I call myself_

_I've tried everything and anything_  
_But nothing seems to work quite like it should_  
_Between the madness and the apathy_  
_Seems there's nothing left inside of me that's good_

_'Cause I've been high and I've been low_  
_I've spent a thousand nights alone, tryna hold on tight_  
_And feelings come but they won't go_  
_Please won't someone take me home before I lose my mind_

_Am I broken?_  
_Am I flawed?_  
_Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I_  
_Just another fake, fucked up lost cause?_  
_And am I human?_  
_Or am I something else?_  
_'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there_  
_To save me from the nightmare that I call myself_

_Am I broken?_  
_Am I flawed?_  
_Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I_  
_Just another fake, fucked up lost cause?_  
_And am I human?_  
_Or am I something else?_  
_'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there_  
_To save me from the nightmare that I call myself_  
_\---_

He hadn't slept in four days. Every time he fell asleep at his worktable, he was woken up almost immediately from a nightmare. He knew he was on the edge of a breakdown, or on the edge of losing his shit, but he still went to the kitchen on the common floor. He had to. He was out of coffee in the lab and JARVIS refused to send any of the bots out for more. 

He walked into the kitchen, hoping there was no one in there. But of course, with his luck, the entire team was in there eating what looked like breakfast. He kept his head down and headed straight for the coffee machine. He could feel their eyes follow him as he went but he didn't acknowledge them. 

"Stark." he heard from behind him, he didn't want to answer, but he knew he wouldn't hear the end of it if he didn't. He gave a noncommittal grunt, as he reached for the now full mug of coffee. He heard a sigh, and he turned around, facing the full kitchen. Steve was now standing in front of him with his arms crossed, and his patented disappointed Cap look on his face. 

"When was the last time you slept?" the super soldier asked, and Tony rolled his eyes. 

"Not your business, Cap. I'm all good." Tony said, taking a sip of his scalding hot coffee. He let out a sigh as the liquid slipped down his throat. Steve let out a sigh, and shifted his weight. Tony could tell he was annoyed, but he couldn't find it in him to care. He was just too damn tired. 

"Tony. If your not sleeping, it is my business." Steve replied, his voice hard. Tony raised an eyebrow and looked around at the others. Bruce was purposely not looking at any of them, but Tony could tell he was listening by the way his head was tilted towards the kitchen. Natasha and Clint were blatantly watching, and he could tell by the blank looks on their faces that they were trying to read him. Thor seemed oblivious though, staring down at his mountain of pop-tarts. 

Tony sighed, and turned to leave, he was headed to the elevator when he felt a hand wrap around his arm. He felt whatever last semblance of control he had break away, and all the frustration he had at not being able to sleep bubbled to the surface. 

"Rogers, you're going to want to let go right now." he felt himself say, voice cold and low. He felt the hand let go, before he turned around. Steve was standing there with his hands up in surrender, Clint and Natasha were flanking him, looking concerned. Bruce was standing now, completely focused on their interaction. 

"Tony, we are just concerned." Steve was saying, his voice calm and slow. Tony's eyes flew to him, and his anger growing. 

"Sure you are Cap. Concerned that my lack of sleep os going to affect my work. It won't, don't worry." Tony spat, before turning around and entering the elevator. He could still hear the cries of his name behind him when the doors closed.

He rushed into his lab and started pacing. 

"Lock-down, J. No one in." He demanded. His AI complied, but he didn't respond, letting Tony know he disapproved of his actions. He continued to pace, running his fingers through his hair a couple times, before he realized what just happened. 

"What did I just do?" he asked. He felt his legs give out, and soon he was on the floor, knees bent up close to his chest. 

"What did I do...they are going to leave. They are going to leave. They are going to realize that I'm broken, and they are going to leave. I can't build them their new toys if I can't even sleep." He said, feeling his thoughts start to spiral. 

"If I may sir..." he heard JARVIS try to cut in, but he didn't want to hear it. He knew what he was saying was true, it certainly felt true, he didn't need his AI to make up lies to console him. 

"Mute." He choked out, his breathing unsteady. He knew JARVIS didn't deserve it, but he didn't want false platitudes. 

"What has happened to me? I used to be so confident, so...I don't know not messed up. Why can't I just go back to that. A few traumatic experiences and now I'm just useless? I can't even sleep like a normal person. And now they are all worried that I won't be able to finish their gear, or maybe they don't trust me to have their back now. I can't force them to trust me. And if they don't trust me, they have no use for me. They will just leave. That's fine. That's fine, right?" He let out another shaky breath, and rubbed his hands down his face, swallowing a lump in his throat. He stood up and walked over to the couch, and threw himself down. If he was going to be useless he might as well be useless in a comfortable spot.

He could feel himself spiraling, he knew he was. Part of him knew that this was just the sleep deprivation and the lack of food talking. But the other part of him felt like this was just the beginning of the end. The start of what he knew would always happen. That the team would realize he wasn't worth it, and they would leave. And even worse, they would be better off without him. 

"I'm not worth it. They should leave. I'm not a good person, I'm no hero. I don't deserve to be on the team. I'm just a monster, the Merchant of Death right? I just break everything I touch, including myself. I'm just broken, I'm broken and worthless, they would be better off without me. I can just go back to going it alone. I've done it before, right? I'm used to being alone, I don't play well with others anyway right? That's was Nat said in her report. She's right." he kept talking, slightly delirious now. He didn't know who he was talking to, since he muted JARVIS, but he once he started he couldn't stop. He watched as DUM-E brought over a glass of water. 

"Thanks, bud." he said, accepting the glass, and taking a drink. It felt cool going down his throat and he felt a littler calmer. He patted his bot on the head, and laid down on the couch, setting the now empty glass on the floor. 

"At least I have you guys. Then I won't be entirely alone. I just wish they would stay...I don't know if I will handle being left alone again very well. I didn't do so good when Pepper left the first time, remember DUM-DUM? J made you hide all the sharp objects, he was worried I was going to hurt myself. I wouldn't...I don't think. I know nothing I do is right, and nothing can make up for what I've done, but I have to try. It just doesn't seem right getting to be put out of my misery when I caused so much." he could feel his words slurring in his throat, his eyelids were growing heavy. He knew he was about to fall asleep, he wanted to sleep, but he knew he would just wake up in a few hours from a nightmare. 

"I'll be okay, DUM. I've been alone before. I just wish these ones would have lasted a bit longer..." he trailed off and his eyelids closed and he slipped out of consciousness. 

  
\---

When he came to a few hours later, he could feel hands on him, and a voice coming from above him. He didn't know where he was, and who could possibly be talking to him, when the team had probably already left. He jerked out of the hold and pushed himself further down the couch. 

"Tony, it's okay. It's just me. It's Bruce." he heard, and he felt confusion fill him as he opened his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the doctor kneeling on the ground in front of the couch where he had been laying. He looked around wildly but didn't see anyone but Bruce. He let out a shaky sigh. 

"How'd you get in?" he asked, his voice still slurred with sleep. Bruce let out a sigh, before getting up and sitting on the other side of the couch, clearly leaving space between them. 

"JARVIS let me in. He was worried about you, said you were having a nightmare." Bruce replied cautiously, his eyes still filled with concern, and something else Tony couldn't quite place. 

"Hmm. I don't remember having one." he felt himself say, still half delirious from sleep. He narrowed his eyes at the ceiling with a frown. 

"J, did you lie to the good doctor here?" Tony asked, glancing down at the now silent Bruce. 

"Of course not sir, I was monitoring your vitals and they spiked just before you woke up. Naturally I called for the doctor for assistance in case anything was wrong." the cool voice replied. Tony glared at the ceiling for a few minutes, before turning to the other man. 

"Sorry about that Brucie. JARVIS was just being a worry wart. I'm right as rain now, and if you don't mind I have some work to get done." Tony said, painting a smile on his face, before he stood and walked over to his work bench. He could feel Bruce follow him, and he hovered for a minute before he spoke up again. 

"Tony...do you really think we are going to leave, just because you're struggling?" his voice broke through the silence, and Tony felt himself stiffen. 

"I don't quite know what you are talking about, Doc." he replied nonchalantly, grabbing one of the gauntlets and started tinkering with it. He heard Bruce sigh from behind him. 

"JARVIS showed me the footage after you put yourself on lock-down. And before you get mad at him, I made him show me. I was worried you had taken something, and I needed to make sure you were okay." Bruce said, coming to stand in front of him. Tony kept his gaze fixed on the gauntlet in front of him and didn't answer. 

"We don't think you're broken, Tony. And we aren't going to leave even if you were." he said again, voice soft. Tony felt his composure shake a little bit and he let out a broken laugh. 

"Aren't I though Bruce? I can't sleep. I don't eat. I can't stop having nightmares. I haven't been able to build anything functional in days. Doesn't that mean I'm broken. If I can no longer do what I'm good at?" he said then, unsure of why he was saying it. He could see Bruce take a step closer in his peripheral vision, his gaze still on the suit in front of him. 

"Tony, you're not broken. You have some PTSD, it seems like, but that's not broken. We can help with that...we all have a bit of experience in that area. And Tony, we aren't here for your stuff. We are here because we are your friends." Bruce said then, stepping closer and dipping his head so he was in Tony's line of sight. Tony let out a huff and looked up. 

"You might be in the wrong business." Tony said with a hint of self deprecation in his voice, a sad smile on his face. Bruce shook his head, his mouth tilted up in a soft smile. 

"You were the first one to show me kindness, Tony. Let me return the favor. The team is waiting upstairs. They are all worried about you. They want to have a movie night, they think you might be able to sleep with us around. Let us worry about keeping you safe." Bruce said, placing his arm around Tony's shoulders, and steering him towards the door. Tony followed. 

"I guess one movie wouldn't hurt." he felt himself say, and Bruce smiled widely at him in return. 

"No it wouldn't." he repeated, as they entered the elevator. 

  
\---

Hours later, Bruce smiled down at the figure curled up in his lap. The movie had been running for ten minutes, before the resident genius had fallen asleep. Bruce ran his fingers through the other man's hair a few times when his face scrunched up in distress. He watched patiently as his fingers brushing the man's scalp helped even out the distressed features, and he settled back into a peaceful slumber. 

"He okay?" Natasha asked from beside him. She had Tony's feet in her lap, and was running her thumb across his ankle. Bruce sent her a grateful smile. 

"He will be. He's got us." Bruce responded, earning a smile and an approved nod from teh spy. 

He turned his attention to the movie, glad he was able to help Tony the way the other man had helped him on that helicarrier. Tony deserved to be happy, and if Bruce could help him get there, he would do everything he could. 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment and let me know what you thought.
> 
> Check out my other works!
> 
> Thanks for reading


End file.
